


The girl dressed in blood

by dauntIess



Category: Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: F/M, Sad, Sadness, Tobias - Freeform, Tris - Freeform, dont read if you havent read allegiant, fear serum, four - Freeform, he just, its so sad, six - Freeform, spoiler for allegiant, why, whyd i write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-12
Updated: 2014-01-15
Packaged: 2018-01-01 07:29:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1042063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dauntIess/pseuds/dauntIess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tobias escapes to his fear landscape, hoping to find something other than crying over Tris to occupy his mind with. It ends badly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Tobias injected himself with the fear serum and entered his fear landscape, breathing in a sigh of relief. He had snuck into the lab and stolen some along with an injection, and now he was back in his room. At least it gave him something to do, instead of just mope around all day and cry about the girl he loved and lost way too fast. He went through his first three fears, and prepared himself for the fourth, which was still the worst, which brought back not only un- New Storypleasant memories of his father that he would rather forget, but also the memory of how she had helped him through it. It reminded him of how brave, how strong, how fearless, how truly dauntless she was. And now she was gone. And he could barely say her name without feeling that all too familiar pain in his chest.  
The fourth fear came into existence, but it wasnt what Tobias had been expecting.

He stood a few feet in front of her, and as soon as he saw her, he forgot it was only a simulation. She was wearing all black, with her hair, which was long again, hanging around her face. She was beautiful.

He stood in shock for about two minutes and then he ran toward her, grabbed her by the waist and kissed her. Oh god. Oh god he had missed her so much, but now she was here and everything would be alright.  
He released her and spoke  
"Tris I-" It no longer pained him to say her name. She was right there in front of him.  
"You let me go"

Silence.

"You could have saved me. But you didnt"  
"No! No of course not! I-" he stepped away from her, shaking his head frantically, willing himself to believe the words that were coming out of his mouth, willing himself to believe that he was innocent. He stumbled away from her until there was a distance of about 6 feet between them, when his back hit something solid, a white wall that had popped out of nowhere.  
"You could have saved me! I'm dead because of you! You were too busy in the city to spare a single thought about how I might be doing, or how Caleb was, or even whether we were still alive! And you knew. You knew I would take his place. Why didnt you stop me from staying with Caleb, Tobias, why?" Now she was crying. Her tears raced down her face, and she shook, but she still looked so beautiful, and it would all be okay, because they always had their fights, and this one was worst than usual but it would be fine Tobias told himself. Maybe Tobias was losing his mind. Maybe he already had, but he didnt care. Here she was, standing right in front of him, and he had never been more thankful.  
Tris' voice rose up an octave, and she sounded completely hysterical.  
"This is all y-"  
And suddenly, out of nowhere a gunshot rang through the air. And then another one.  
The bullets had pierced Tris' skin. One hit her neck and the other hit her chest, splattering the ground with blood. She stood still, her mouth open, struggling to finish her sentence and then she dropped to the floor, like a puppet whose strings had been cut. Blood flowed out of her wounds impossibly fast, soaking through her black clothes and covering her hair, covering her face, covering her whole body, until she looked nothing more than a girl dressed in blood. Tobias should have run toward her and broken down, maybe then it would all have ended, but instead he stayed where he was. The blood travelled in an eerily straight line right towards him. It touched Tobias' shoes and Tobias stood still. He just stood. Like if he stood still, it would all end. He felt something wet and sticky on his hands and looked down, afraid to see what it was.  
Blood coated his fingers, thick and red. It dripped off his fingers onto the ground, and as he heard the first drop of blood hit the white, cement floor, he screamed. He screamed, putting all his emotion into it, all his anguish, his grief, his anger, his hurt, his love, his desperation, his fear. His fear about how Tris was right. It was all his fault. He screamed a little louder.  
It was his fault she died. It seemed like centuries before he finally stopped screaming and the simulation ended.

Tobias had become addicted. He escaped to his fear landscape, getting through the first three fears, eager to see her face again, even though all she did was scream at him and how at the end of it, he would be reduced to nothing more than a weak, shivering, screaming wreck. Every single time. But at least he got to see her. And sometimes she wouldnt start talking till after Tobias had run to her and hugged her. He welcomed the feeling. The feeling that it was all his fault, because he knew it was, but no one else would admit it. Except Tris. After she had screamed, it was his turn. He watched the bullets that came from nowhere hit her and even if he tried to suppress his screams, he couldnt. Not after seeing the way she fell to the floor, helpless. She always ended up coated in blood, like a dress. The girl he loved so much, dying right in front of him, and him powerless to stop it.

Deep inside, he knew it was wrong. He knew it wasnt his fault and that he couldnt have saved her. He knew she wouldnt have wanted him to leave Uriah's family for her. He also knew that it was also the only way he had to see her, and that was worth anything the world could throw at him. Something no one knew about Tobias Eaton was that he was very self-destructive and what better way to destroy himself, than put himself through this? Maybe his mental pain would manifest into a physical pain and he would physically destroy himself, and get to see her again, for real. But that would be too much to hope for, especially for him. The simulation had turned into his getaway. He stole more and more fear serum from the labs and soon he knew someone would notice. But he didnt care. It had become his drug, and he needed it like he needed oxygen to breathe.  
The simulation had quickly become his hell and his heaven.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2 of The girl dressed in blood   
please give me feedback!! Should I made a 3rd part?

 

Tobias had been trying to stop. He really really had, but lately everything had gotten too much. Seeing Caleb reminded him of her as well as seeing David wheel himself around, a murderer who had no idea what he had done. A murderer who had no idea that he had killed the girl he had loved. A murderer who was walking-more like wheeling-free. And the worst part was that Tobias couldnt even say anything to him, because David had changed so much after losing his memory. He had become nicer and less harsh and he had no clue about how to do his job, no clue about anything really. Tobias couldnt look him in the eyes and he doubted he would ever warm up to the new him.

Caleb on the other hand, made Tobias angry. He should have been the one to die. Not her. He should have been the one to be shot by David, while setting off the memory serum. She wouldve been heartbroken if he had died, but Tobias wouldve healed her like he always did. Like they always had healed each other. And now she was gone, and Tobias felt like he had lost his other half. Maybe he had. Maybe he would never find anyone ever again and he would die alone. Not that he even wanted anyone else. No one but her. Christina had become his best friend. She, to some extent knew what he was going through. She had gone through the same thing with Will. She had also lost both her closest friends almost at the same time.   
He helped Christina and Christina helped him. But it wasnt enough. People comforted him, but all he wanted was to be comforted by her. Hell, he couldnt even say her name without feeling unimaginable pain in his chest and breaking down into sobs, unless he was right in front of her in his fear landscape of course.

The fear hadnt changed at all. He still went through the whole thing, holding her before the screaming started then gritting his teeth while she screamed at him, she sometimes even threw insults in between and he just stood still, until the gunshots cut through her flesh, as if she was made of paper and the bullets were razor sharp scissors. He watched her wear the blood, like a dress and that was when he started screaming. And he didnt stop. He didnt stop, until his throat was raw, and the air echoed with his tortured screams, long after they had ended, after they had let out all the pain and anger he had been holding back.   
Tobias injected the fear serum into his neck and went through his fears, they still scared him on some level but the one that terrified him the most was the one where she came. He yearned for the time he would get to see her again, but it also terrified him knowing it wasnt really her, that it would never really be her, but what other choice did he have? He put himself through this torture, day after day, until he really couldnt live without it. He would go through the whole day with no interest in anything, just waiting till he could finally see her again.

He was walking down the corridor, going for a "walk" with a vial of fear serum hidden in his jacket pocket when he heard heavy footfalls behind him. He could tell by the footsteps it was a man, probably Matthew, who had been trying to talk to him more now, and Tobias despised him for it. Tobias Eaton didnt need anyones pity. He didnt need anyone to feel sorry for him. He didnt need anyone to sympathize for him, he was fine on his own.

"Tobias!"   
Tobias slowly turned around, trying to compose his face into an expression of calmness, like he hadnt just been stealing from the people who had provided him with food and shelter everyday.   
"Hm?"  
"There's a curfew, youd better get into your room soon, theyll probably make an announcement soon"  
"Why?"  
"Didnt you hear? Someones been stealing vials of fear serum from the lab for the past 6 months, and everyones anticipating an attack, so weve issued a curfew"  
Oh.  
Right.  
Shit.

"Tobias?"  
"Yeah Ill get to my room now"  
Tobias walked away, not caring if he seemed rude, maybe if he had cared, he wouldve seen the expression on Matthew's face and figured everything out but he had the vials in his pocket, and he really just wanted to get back to his room and reenter his fear landscape.

He hadnt seen her for 2 days, which was an improvement but he was having severe withdrawal symptoms and he needed to see her face just once.  
He entered his room, shut the door and slumped down against it. He put his face in his hands and willed himself not to cry. He had to get ahold of himself. He couldnt break down everytime he felt guilty, or he missed her. He knew the simulation wasnt helping, and now he had put the whole stupid place on high alert. This had to stop. He had to stop. He hadnt meant for it to escalate so quickly. He planned on taking just one or two vials, enough for about two months, but somehow it had gotten out of hand. He vowed to himself this would be the last time. The last time he ever saw her. The last time he ever heard her voice. This was it. And he wasnt completely ready, but he didnt have to be. He had to stop this.

He injected himself with the serum and lay down on his bed, waiting for the simulation to embrace him in its torturous arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is going to be a series, not very long but yeah probably 4-5 chapters at most x


	3. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is really short but oh well   
> -dauntiess

Tobias opens his eyes and he's back in his fear landscape. He goes through the first three fears like a dream, barely conscious he is there. On some level, they still scare him but the only one he cares about now is the one with her in it. He enters his last fear. He braces himself for seeing her one last time, seeing her beautiful face and her eyes that seem to be about fifty shades of blue and gray all at the same time and her golden hair and he braces himself to feel her against him for truly, the last time. He's standing in front of her then. He runs to her, wraps his arms around her waist and holds her. He holds her so tight it hurts. He holds her close to him, as if she might disappear in a second, but she cant, because she already has. He holds her and memorises every single thing about her. The texture of her hair, her voice, the dips in her back, the feel of her against him. He forgets for a moment that he already knows all these things, because she was made from his own imagination. His own fear. He holds her and wishes he never has to let go. He holds her till his arms turn numb, he holds her while she shouts at him, and every word still hits him in the chest like a bulldozer, like something physical instead of verbal and it causes him more pain and he holds her while she gets shot, and when she falls to the floor, he falls down with her as if they are connected by string, but he knows it is something much stronger and he lays next to her and holds her while shes being coated in her own blood and then he is being covered with her blood and he's still holding her and then he's crying. Horrible heart wrenching, grief-stricken sobs that he knows will haunt him forever, or maybe he had been crying since he entered his fear, but he does not know or care. Long after all his tears are gone, drained out of him by the same force that had been dragging him back to his fear landscape for the past six months, wasted over someone who will never come back to him, he sits up, takes a deep breath and feebly attempts to take the blood off of him.

What if he cant stop? What if he keeps taking more and more fear serum and never stops, only to see her again? What if he never heals? What if he dies like this, broken? The thoughts swirl around his head, every time they're repeated, it seems to be with more venom and hopelessness. It seems ironic to Tobias, that after everything he had been through, a 16 year old girl, a Stiff at that, would be the one to destroy him. But she was different. He had known that since he had laid his eyes on her, those many months ago, when she had been the first jumper. He had known there was something different about her. He had no one to blame but himself. No one to blame for how he was feeling right now. He had opened himself up to him, shown the real him, he had let down his guard in front of him. And now she was gone, and he had never felt this lost. He didnt know how, or when, but suddenly, he was out of the simulation, back in his room, and as he let the grief and despair and the strongest emotion of all-anger-overwhelm him, he realised he had no more tears. No more tears to waste over her, no more tears left to flow out of his tired eyes. So all he did was sit on his bed. He sat still, his body wracking with the force of silent sobs that refused to physically manifest. His pain was physical though. He felt the pain in his chest and now he truly understood the meaning of heartbroken. And in that moment of raw desperation, the thing he had known since he had found out she was gone, the thing he had tried so hard to bury underneath layers upon layers of yes-i-will-be-okay-thank-you, had never been as evident to him as it was now. He wanted it all to be o v e r.


	4. chapter 4

This was going to be the last time, he promised himself silently. The last time he saw her...ever. The thought sent a stab of unbearable pain through him, and he repeated it over and over again, silently, hoping to accomplish what, he didn't know. Death would be less painful than what he felt right now. Knowing for sure that he wouldn't see her ever again. He would kill himself in a heartbeat to join her, and he had tried to figure out the quickest way to go, but every time he tried, Christina's voice echoed back to him. That ending his suffering would be the cowards way out. And Tobias was no coward. Or maybe he was, which was why he hadn't killed himself yet. But oh god, he missed her so much. He was going crazy. A knock on the door interrupts his desperate, slightly disturbing thoughts. Tobias clears his throat, hoping his voice doesn't reflect what was going on in his head and says

"Who is it?" Good. His voice sounds normal.

"Open the door" God damn Matthew.

"What do you want?"

"Open the damn door Tobias"

An unfamiliar, much harsher voice than Matthew's says. Shit. Tobias decides its probably better if he doesn't resist. He's in no mood for a fight. He opens the door and says

"What the hell, you interrupted me in the mid-"

There are four people outside. Matthew, an older man in a suit, with jet black hair with streaks of white and grey in it. And then standing behind them, were two other people, wearing uniforms and...was that a taser strapped to their belts? What the hell?

"We know its you"

The older man says and Tobias stops, mid sentence and tries not to freak out.

"What?"

"We know its you who's been taking the fear serum from the labs, and we've known since you started"

"No! This is a mis-"

"We caught you on camera Tobias"

"We've set them up all over the place, that is, except the rooms"

God damn this whole fucking place and their fancy equipment.

"Now, we don't know what you're going to do with the serum, and we doubt it's anything dangerous, but we know for a fact that you have increased how many vials you take over the past 3 months. We decided not to say anything the first few months, but now it's gone too far. This needs to stop, and you need to tell us why you need the fear serum or we'll arrest you. Or worse, throw you out. You're a GD so no one will care anymore"

He was harsh...or maybe just truthful. Wait a second, if everyone in this place had forgotten about the GD's, how did this man remember? Who was he? Holy shit what is going on?

"I still don't believe you you know" Matthew thought out loud.

Tobias was next to him, being escorted along by the two guards, both of which were holding one of his arms. He had surrendered what little fear serum he had and had told them he'd only been stealing it to get into his fear landscape, which as he said it out loud, he realised it made no sense.

"Why?"

"It's a fear serum. It's supposed to bring your worst fears to life. Why would you willingly put yourself through that torture, I just don't get it"

Neither did Tobias. What was wrong with him? Matthew was right. There were a lot of things no one understood about Tobias, but this was the first one he didn't understand either.

"Ah, here we are" the old guy said

"What are you going to do to me?"

"You'll find that out soon enough, shut up now" How nice he was.

They turned into a room and Tobias stopped walking. There in the middle of the plain white room, was a plain white gurney and Tobias felt like all the air had been squeezed out of his chest. He knew what this was for. And no way was he going to let them do this to him. He had promised himself something, and he had meant it. He wasn't going to go back into his fear landscape for anything, especially not an organisation he still had mixed feelings about. No, they were going to have to find someone else to help them with this. He was pushed onto the gurney and lay down. The "guards" or whatever were holding both his arms down. He couldn't get out.

"No! No please no I can't! Not again please don't do this" he begged with the older guy, but the older man just smirked and filled up an injection with a substance Tobias was all too familiar with. Fear serum. He struggled against his guards till he was told to shut up and turn his head to the right. Shit no no no. Then suddenly Tobias felt something thin and slightly painful. Like a pinch, but lighter, jab him in the neck. He struggled against his captors, managing to get one arm out of the grip of the guard, and he waved it around wildly, punching someone in the nose. He heard a muffled curse and that was it, before he blacked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is chapter 4 i shouldnt be laughing


	5. chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as u can see im very creative with chapter names anyways this is the last chapter aw

He was back in his fear landscape.  
No no no no no. He knew they were watching it, like they used to in Dauntless.  
No oh god no. He couldn't go through his fear landscape when he knew they were watching. He just couldn't. But he had to. God knows what they'd do to him if he didnt, the monsters.  
Tobias went through his fears, as if in a dream, going through the first three as slow as he could. Purposely trying to agitate the people who he knew were watching.  
He got to his last fear, finally. He took a deep breath, shut his eyes and waited for the screaming to begin.

It never came.  
Wait what?  
Tobias opened his eyes, warily and stared at the completely empty plain white room he was in. There was no sign of anyone, let alone Tris.  
What was this?  
He sank to his knees slowly and pressed his lips together, trying not to scream. What was this? Where was she?  
He put his head in his hands.  
He was alone.

Tobias Eaton was alone. She was gone. Forever. And he was still here, stuck on this shithole of a planet, all alone.  
He sat curled up, with his head in his hands and his hands trembled with the effort of holding in his emotions. He couldn't forget that there were people watching this.  
Suddenly, a voice echoed through the room. A ghost voice. The voice of a girl he once knew. A-no-The girl he loved. Only at the same time it was not her voice. It sounded so much like her. But at the same time there was something different.  
"Tobias, you have to let me go"  
And then she appeared, suddenly standing right in front of him, dressed in her Dauntless clothes. He looked up at her. and then bent his head back down. It hurt to look at her now. She had her hair tied back in a pony, and she had a small, sad smile on her face.  
"I watched you, you know. I saw you day after day, put yourself through this torture, only to have a glimpse of my face. A feel of my skin. I watched you and it broke my heart" He realized what was different with her voice now. It echoed with every syllable she spoke, and it had a certain quality to it. Like she was speaking from very far.  
"I know what I did hurt you, and I know that it hurt others, but probably you the most. I don't regret doing it, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had sent my brother off to his death"  
Was she real? Was this part of the fear? Or was she-as stupid as it sounded-a ghost?  
"I know what my death is doing to the others as well. Christina might not show it, but she's almost as torn up as you are. She hides it very well, which is surprising as it goes against everything in her Candor nature but she does. For your sake, I suppose. She's not doing well. You have to be there for her. All her friends are gone, and she sees no reason to live-"  
"What about me?" He asked, barely whispering, hoping she wouldn't hear him while at the same time hoping that she would.  
She did.  
Tris bent down and took Tobias' chin in her hand and lifted it up gently. So she was solid, which rules out the ghost theory. Not that he was seriously considering it.  
"You have so much to live for. You have Zeke and Amar and Christina and even Cara and they all care for you" He felt like shouting "But all I want is you" but he stayed silent.  
"You help her and she, you. It's the way of the world. Everything has an end, and my end came a bit too soon, but you can't let that happen to Christina. Or you. You are stronger   
than this. You can help Christina get through this and she can help you. Please"

Tobias felt a tear slide down his cheek, but he didn't bother to wipe it away, all thoughts of the people watching gone. She felt so real and solid and there. She was right there. And she was telling him to move on. He didn't care if this was some trick designed by the Bureau to get him to stop taking the serum. He didn't care whether she was something his fear landscape had conjured. He only cared about the fact that she was here, and she felt more real than any of the other times. And he listened to her.  
Something told him that he should.  
"But what if I'm not? What if I'm not stronger? What if this kills me?"  
"Then you would have disappointed me. The Tobias I knew was not this. The Tobias I knew was brave and strong, fearless. Dauntless. Be that person again. Be the person I love. Be yourself again"  
He shut his eyes buried his head in her neck and he cried. And he cried and he cried some more. He stayed like that for a long time, with her embracing him, rather than him embracing her. He needed this. He needed her. But he also knew that he needed to let her go. Holding on to her was physically and mentally killing him.  
She held him and he, finally exhausting his seemingly endless supply of tears, fell asleep in her arms.

"Tobias?" He groaned and tried to roll around. And came to the realization that his arms were strapped to the gurney.  
What the hell?  
He opened his eyes, slowly and bright light pierced his eyes and sent a shot of pain through them. He shut them again.  
Slowly, eyelids flickering, he opened his eyes.  
Matthew and the old man were staring down at him. Why did they look so pale? Or maybe it was just the light.  
"What do you want? You got what you wanted didn't you? You saw and heard everything, didn't you? Now you know why I take the fear serum"  
"Yeah well... yeah"  
"Happy now?"  
"Not really. I had no idea how bad it was for you. I'm sorry about making you relive that, but you really have to stop taking the se-"  
"Okay, okay I got it. I'll stop"  
"Really?" Matthew's eyes widened slightly, surprised that Tobias had given in that easily.  
Tobias really didn't want to see her again. He loved her, but that was exactly why he didn't want to see her. He loved her so much it almost killed him. But now it had to stop.  
"I promise okay? Now can you unstrap me from this fucking gurney"  
The guards untied his arms and escorted him back to his room, where he took the remaining vials of fear serum he had, and flushed them down the toilet. A waste, definitely but he did it. His Abnegation side got a bit agitated as he watched the liquid disappear in a whirlpool, gone  
forever. This was it.

The next day, he went and talked to Christina. They talked about Tris and the memories they both had with her, and although they both ended up crying, hugging each other as if their lives depended on it (which it did), they both felt slightly better. Not very much, but it was a start. Tobias knew it was going to be a very long time till he was okay, but if he never started, he would never be okay.  
Tobias talked to people more, and Matthew watched him slowly get better, amazed at how much better he had gotten since the last time he had gone through his fear landscape.  
The very same fear landscape that had in fact, changed Matthew's whole perspective of life, death and love. He smiled slightly and felt a chill going up his spine, knowing that what little he had seen through the computer monitors and heard through something Andrew (the old man) called a cell phone, he would never tell Tobias, because as soon as Tobias had collapsed on the ground, the lights had flickered, once, twice and then gone out altogether. Not only in the lab, as they later found out, but the whole place, which was more unsettling. There had never been a black out before. Never.  
As soon as the power went out, there was a beat of silence and then, Andrew immediately activated the mic (by pressing a button on his watch. How the hell..?) that they had embedded into Tobias' skin along with the fear serum they had injected and took something out of his pocket which he told them was a cell phone, and the mic sent everything it heard to the phone. So, gathered around a small illuminated rectangle, sat four men, in the dark and they listened. The mic would shut down as soon as Tobias came out of the simulation and he would never even know it was there. What they heard shook them all to the core.  
They heard Tris speaking, and then Tobias' muffled sobs which were slowly replaced by silence.  
And then;  
"Tris, come on, we have to leave. He's asleep and he'll wake up out of the simulation. It's better to leave now, it'll be easier on you too" Another voice come back from the dead. Natalie Prior's voice. It had a kind of echo, a haunting feeling to it, like Tris' had and it chilled them all to the bone.  
"I will mom, just a little more time" Tris' voice replied.

Then Tris began humming something, so quietly, they had to strain their ears to hear. After the humming ended, there was a short silence and all they heard was Tobias' shallow breathing.  
Soon after, the lights came back on and illuminated the four people standing around the gurney, one of them clutching a phone, one of them staring at it in shock and all of them pale and trembling.  
Tobias came to slowly afterwards.

Ghosts? No. Andrew had a better-saner-theory to present to the Bureau that had assigned them on figuring out why Tobias needed the serum. Tobias' subconscious had conjured up the small conversation between Tris and Natalie after he had gone to sleep and the lights had coincidentally gone out at the same time. And come on at the same time when Tris had left. Totally.  
Matthew watched from afar as Tobias laugh, for the first time in nearly nine months and smiled slightly, knowing that Tobias was better off not knowing what had occured after he had fallen asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> okay so um im not sure if i should do a part 2 of this, so if you like it please comment seriously i need the feedback okay please :) and should i do a part 2 or because its not over yet but idk


End file.
